I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

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The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said, "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching all together."

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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, "I am not understanding the question please."

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